


Never Have I Ever

by conceptofzero



Series: Never Have I Ever [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-30
Updated: 2011-07-30
Packaged: 2017-10-22 00:10:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/231452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conceptofzero/pseuds/conceptofzero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crowbar should have never agreed to playing Never Have I Ever. Sometime between the third and forth bottles of gin, the questions had changed from general statements to carefully constructed spears meant to ferret out exactly who had the weirdest, and then the least, sexual experiences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Have I Ever

Crowbar should have never agreed to this. The last time he played Never Have I Ever, he was seventeen, and his girlfriend at the time had taken it as the perfect opportunity to reveal that she was cheating on him. And despite Die insisting it wouldn’t end like that, it had quickly ended up in the same territory as that first dreaded game.

Sometime between the third and forth bottles of gin, the questions had changed from general statements to carefully constructed spears meant to ferret out exactly who had the weirdest, and then the least, sexual experiences. And Crowbar had found out more than he ever wanted to know about his ‘friends’ love lives.

“A threesome,” Itchy repeated, disbelievingly, “Who would have a threesome with you?”

Sawbuck shrugged, and it was hard to tell if he was blushing or just that drunk. “Some girls like big guys.”

”Cans is a big guy. Quarters is a big guy. You’re just fat.” Itchy cut straight to the meat of the issue.

“Hey,” Crowbar elbowed Itchy in the side, “Remember what I said about ragging on Sawbuck’s weight?”

“No, and don’t bother telling me, because I’ll just have to forget it again.” Itchy reached over and flicked Doze right in the middle of his forehead. He didn’t even register it, just slumping further into his chair and snoring more. “Okay, okay, I never- heeey Snowy! Doc!”

The flash of green always caught Crowbar off-guard, no matter how many times he saw it happen. It was always the weirdest sensation to look over and find people existing where they didn’t exist two seconds ago. Crowbar nodded to the pair.

“Grab a seat! We’re playing Never Have I Ever!” Itchy helpfully filled a pair of shot glasses and slid them down to the end of the table, where the only empty chairs were.

“I’m afraid I must decline,” Doc Scratch tapped the side of his head. “Drinking is difficult without a mouth.”

“I’ll try,” Snowy took one of the seats, “How do you play?”

“It’s simple. You say something you’ve never done, and everybody who’s done it has to drink. If you haven’t done it, you don’t drink,” Itchy explained, and then demonstrated, “Like this. Never have I ever been female.”

Snowman picked up her shot and drank it. She slid the empty glass back over to Itchy and took the other full one. Doc Scratch nodded to the group, and disappeared in another flash of light, leaving behind an empty space. Crowbar picked up his glass. “We’ll do a full round before you have to ask anything. Die?”

Die skipped right back to the lewd questions, “Never have I ever finished too early.”

“Oh fuck you,” Itchy snapped, and took his shot. Quarters sighed, and did the same with his own shot. “Big words coming from the man with a doll fetish.”

“Once doesn’t make it a fetish-“ Die started to say, and Matchsticks just reached over, clamping a hand over Die’s mouth before the fight could pick up again. Itchy looked smug, but kept his mouth shut too, since Crowbar was within arm’s reach.

“Never have I ever had sex in public.” Matchsticks picked up the slack. Itchy poured another shot, just to knock it back. Crowbar and Sawbuck did the same. Matchsticks looked at Sawbuck, “With the two girls, or-“

“Different girl.” Sawbuck filled any empty glass he saw.

Matchsticks glanced over at Snowman, “Hey, you’re the resident expert on all things female. Why are women on Sawbuck like cats on fresh fish?”

Snowman arched an eyebrow, “I didn’t realize a vagina enabled me to speak for all women.”

“I’m with Snowy. I think I need to see her qualifications before she makes any decision.” Itchy waggled his brows. Crowbar reached over and gave him a gentle smack on the arm.

“Never have I ever had troubles getting it up,” Quarters went for the other side of the embarrassment coin, and Itchy could stop laughing when Trace took his drink. Trace shot Itchy a nasty look that said he’d get him back later. “I guess it doesn’t happen to everyone.”

“You’re all a bunch of fucking liars,” Trace said, taking the bottle out of Sawbuck’s hands, “You want to play rough? Fine. Never have I ever had has sex with anyone at this table.”

There was a long awkward pause before Quarters reluctantly picked up his drink and slammed it back. All eyes fell on Snowman, who just shook her head, “Not me.”

It was another agonizing moment before Fin sighed, and knocked his own shot back. “You’re a real asshole Trace.”

“Yeah well, so’s your boyfriend," Trace crossed his arms over his chest.

“What? Seriously?” Itchy had the most horrified look on his face, “Since when? And how the hell do you know about it?” The last question was directed at Trace.

“I know where everyone’s been. And most of you aren’t subtle.” Trace stink-eyed Itchy, who suddenly did his best to look innocent.

“Yeah, well try it from my end. I always know where everyone’s going to be.” Fin groused, casting a somewhat significant look at Snowman, who just raised an eyebrow again.

“Okay, moving on.” Crowbar took over, since the ‘whose power is worse/best’ argument always ended up in a fistfight, no matter which side anyone was coming from. “Never have I ever cheated on somebody.”

“That’s a pussy question. Even Snowman wouldn’t ask that.” Itch said, pausing to take his shot, and then making a face when Sawbuck took one too, “Oh come the fuck on!”

“Who’s next?” Fin glanced around, and when nobody volunteered, he went ahead, “Never have I ever done any role-playing stuff or dressed up in some sorta costume for somebody.”

“What is with these boring questions-“ Itch started to grouse, and quickly changed his tune as Crowbar took a shot. “Lemme guess, somebody put you in a dress? Did it have frills on it? How about a bow?”

Snowman lent in, “I think he might have the legs for a dress.”

Crowbar just refilled his glass, paying very little attention to the teasing, “For the record, she dressed up. I just pretended to be a teacher.”

"If you swapped the uniforms, that might actually be hot. Hey, don't think I didn't see you sneak that shot!" Itchy pointed a finger at Die, who was lowering his glass, "It doesn't count when they're dolls!"

"She wasn't a doll-" Die protested, and then sulked into his chair. "I don't see the point in being honest if you're going to throw it in my face."

Sawbuck took hold of the conversation again, "Never have I ever lost at strip poker."

Itchy took yet another shot, Matchsticks and Trace also helping themselves to their gin. "If I wouldn't end up in the middle of nowhere, I would punch you so hard right now, you fat fucking pussy magnet. My turn!"

"You had your turn first," Crowbar pointed out, "It's Snowman's question now."

Itchy paused to think it over, coming to the same conclusion, "Shit, fine! Snowman! Make it a good one!"

"I don't have one." Snowman tapped her fingers on the side of her glass, "I understand the game. I just don't have anything worth asking."

"Give it a moment. Something will come to you." Crowbar knew the feeling. It always seemed like your brain went blank just when you needed a question most of all.

"Wait. Wait wait wait!" Itchy seemed to be having some sort of epiphany. He kept looking at Snowman, and at her shot, and then around the table, "I'm going. She can go after me, I don't give a shit. Never have I ever not had sex!"

"What?" Crowbar took a moment to figure that one out. And just as he did, Snowman picked up her shot, and drank it. "What."

"Holy shit." Itchy was nearly vibrating with excitement, "You're a fucking virgin!"

"That's an oxymoron," Snowman pointed out, not bothering to deny the accusation. Though, if she'd wanted to deny it, not drinking her shot would have been the better way to do it. "And yes. I am."

"How does that even happen? I thought you were married or something!" Itchy leaned forward, pointing a finger at her, "Did you lie about that?"

"No, I didn't. I was married," Snowman poured herself another shot, "And if things had gone according to plan, I would have lost my virginity to him."

"So what the hell happened?" Itchy blurted out, even before Crowbar could remind him to think before speaking.

"I was exiled," Snowman reminded him, and drank the second shot.

"Oh. Right." At least Itchy had the decency to look ashamed at his faux-pas. Crowbar kicked his chair, as a reminder. Itchy just mouthed 'what' at Crowbar and shrugged, turning his attention back to Snowman, "Hey, you want me to take care of that for you? We can head upstairs and do it now."

"That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard." Trace mocked him, and put his voice into a falsetto, "'Oh Itchy, do me. Do me now'."

"Well, we can't send her with you! You won't be able to get it up, and she'll be a virgin forever!" And that was the moment Crowbar decided that maybe it was time to shut things down. It was late, everybody was drunk and Itchy was one more insult away from a punch in the face.

"Alright, game over." Crowbar took the gin and recorked it, ignoring the groans of annoyance. "We've got a job tomorrow, and I don't want anybody showing up drunk for it. Go sleep it off."

"This isn't over." Itchy got to his feet, giving Doze a hard prod to wake him up, "I'm getting a real dark secret out of you next time Crowbar. None of this wishy-washy bullshit."

Crowbar shook his head, not because he doubted Itchy's commitment, but because Crowbar didn't have any dark secrets. At least, not of the sexual kind. "Night."

He waited to make sure the table filtered out, not quite trusting them to go to bed unless he had the gin bottle safely in his hands. One by one (or two-by-two in Quarters and Fin's case, since they'd clearly decided to stop hiding) they filtered out, until it was just Crowbar and Snowman. He got to his feet, and discovered he was quite a bit drunker than he'd thought when his legs decided to go wandering to the side.

Snowman got hold of Crowbar before he fell over, propping him up, "You need a hand?"

"Hate to say so, but I think I do." Crowbar lent against Snowman, and the pair headed out of the kitchen, and made their way upstairs. "What did you think?"

"Interesting." She said, her words somewhat vague. "But I think it would have been more fun with a little more experience."

"You should have started earlier, when we were comparing criminal records. You would have had plenty of reasons to drink then." He fumbled with his door handle when they reached his room, but it gave after only a little messing around. Snowman helped him inside, getting him settled on the bed before shutting the door. He took his hat off and started work on his shirt, getting his cuffs undone and then working his way down the rest of his shirt. "That's when I did most of my drinking."

"I thought so." She smiled, and sat down beside him. "You're very lucid."

"I'm a sober drunk. Even I usually don't notice until I stand up. It's great, until everyone mistakes you for being sober because you're the only person able to string a sentence together." Crowbar smiled a little and shook his head. He was halfway through pulling his shirt off when he realized that Snowman was still in the room, and she was a virgin. Crowbar stopped. "Uh."

"What?" She seemed confused. It took her a moment to put it together. "I'm not leaving until you're in bed."

"I'm not going to go wandering anywhere. I'm not like the others." Crowbar assured her, and then reluctantly pulled his shirt the rest of the way off, throwing it on his desk with whatever he'd been working on. He kicked off his shoes, but didn't bother taking off his pants. "It's fine Snowy. Go tuck yourself in."

"If you insist." Snowman got up, "Good night."

"Night," He told her, and watched her head out of his room. Crowbar waiting until the door shut before struggling out of his pants and kicking them onto the floor, and crawling under the covers. He was still a bit wired from the drinking, but he had said he'd be staying put. He turned on his bedside lamp and grabbed a novel, cracking it open and settling in to read.

He was about ten pages in when Snowman said, "Is that a romance novel?" and Crowbar nearly dropped the book in shock. He hadn't even heard her come in. Which meant she probably had just phased in. She had changed for bed too, and she was wearing her nightgown, which was a silky white thing that he had though about a bit more often than he would like to admit.

Crowbar glanced at the novel, and back up at her. There was no point in lying. If the cover hadn't given it away, then the title had. "Yes. Snowy, what do you want?"

She smiled at him, sitting on the edge of his bed and taking the book out of his hands. "I didn't know you liked these."

"I don't advertise it. Itchy would never let me live them down," He frowned. While he and Snowman were pretty close, they weren't this close. And he was naked under the blanket, and that nightgown was practically see-through in the right light. "Snowy..."

"I don't want to be a virgin anymore," She cut straight to the point, "First I waited for the war to end, and then I waited because there was nothing else to do in exile, and I waited after the Felt was formed because everything was settling in, and I just realized, I'm still waiting, and I don't even know what for."

Crowbar took a moment to process all of that. And while he did, Snowman crawled onto Crowbar's bed, and settled on either side of his legs. Her gown pulled taunt over her knees and he swallowed, forcing his eyes to look at her face instead of the rest of her. "Okay... but why are you coming to me? I'm not complaining... I just always figured Scratch was more of your style."

"I've spent my whole life surrounded by men who were more powerful than me. First my husband, and now Doc Scratch and Lord English. I don't want that," She reached out, her hand cupping his face, "I want someone like you."

Crowbar was too drunk for this. He was acting sober but he knew, deep inside, that he should say no and tell her to come back another time. Except, she was right here, right now, and if he sent her away, he would kick himself until the end of time.

He set his hands on her legs, and before he could even say a thing, she just lent in and kissed him. She tasted strange, bitter and sweet at the same time. Snowman moved forward until she was straddling his lap, and through the thin sheet, he could feel the heat from her body. Crowbar brought a hands up, wrapping it around the back of her neck, trying to just savour the moment. But she was impatient, and her hands slipped down his body, looking for the edges of the covers. When they broke to breath, he said, "Hey, there's no rush. What's a few more minutes after all this time?"

The unimpressed look on her face said it all. He put his hands up in a gesture of peace, and decided to try a different tactic. Crowbar got his hands underneath her, and tipped her over so she fell onto her back, sprawling out upside down on the bed. A little maneuverings got his legs out from underneath her, and his hands under her nightgown, pushing it up. She was all too happy to get it over her head, and Crowbar took a moment to get a good look at her, so glossy and curvy, with perfect breasts and the slight pinkness at the lips of her cunt.

Crowbar bent down and kissed her thighs, tasting that same bitter-sweetness he'd found in her mouth. He could smell her, a strange medicinal sort of aroma, and for reasons he couldn't quite explain, it reminded him of licorice. Snowman raised herself up on her elbows, fixing him with a quizzical expression. It took him sliding a few fingers inside of her to make her understand what he was doing, and as his thumb pressed down on her clit, her face just lit up.

It had been a long time since he'd gone down on anyone, and longer still since it had been more than part of a quid-pro-quo deal. So when he pressed his face against her, he felt a little nervous. But it was just like riding a bike, and it didn't take him long to figure out a good system, two fingers inside of her and his tongue pressed against her clit, licking her steadily and smoothly. He couldn't see her, but he could hear her, the soft sighs and muffled moans. Her thighs slid against either side of his head, and they were so smooth that it kept catching him off-guard.

He almost didn't realize that she'd come when she barely made any sound, but her thighs trembled on either side of him, and when he looked up, her face was still twisted up from the aftershocks. Crowbar licked his lips, and carefully slid his fingers out of her. He crawled up the bed until he was over top of her, arms on either side of her heaving chest. "Still want to rush?"

"Maybe not," She craned her head up so she could press her mouth against his. Crowbar kissed back, and let his erection bump against her body. Snowman put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him off, switching their positions. He bumped his back against the headboard, and found her level with his penis, studying it. Her fingers closed around his cock, stroking the sides, "You feel so strange. It's soft, like velvet."

"Yeah?" He pushed his hips against her hand, "Too weird for your tastes?"

"Just weird enough," She stroked him a few times, and smiled when she realized she could roll his foreskin down. Crowbar just groaned, more than happy to let her just keep playing with him if she wanted. But she let go of him, and Crowbar sat up, sliding down the bed until he found a good spot. Snowman settled herself in his lap again, no blanket separating them this time. His erection bumped against her thigh, and a little adjustment got it to the right place. Snowman hesitated for a moment as he pressed up against her entrance, and something about her sudden uncertainty struck him to the core. She pursed her lips before he could say a thing, and slid herself onto him slowly. There was only a flicker of a wince across her face as he pushed all the way into her. Crowbar settled his hands on her hips, just holding her still while she adjusted to the new sensation. Snowman pressed her forehead against his, and set her arms on his shoulders.

"Okay?" He asked, brushing his fingers against her smooth skin. "If it hurts too much-"

"I'm fine," Her face was right there, and he could see the ghost of a blush under that black skin of hers. She sounded almost embarrassed when she spoke, "It's just... what's next?"

Crowbar felt a swelling urge to just push her back on the bed and show her exactly what was next. But there would be time for that later, assuming this went well. She said she wanted to be an equal. There was no better way to let her know she was an equal than to show her,"Next? Start moving your hips until you find whatever feels good to you. A little experimentation never hurt anyone."

"Don't let Itchy hear you say that," She said, and a bit of a smile crept over her face, dispelling the nervous expression that had been creeping onto her face. Snowman stayed still a moment long, just composing herself, and when she was ready, she started to move her hips, just like he had suggested. Crowbar just let her set the rhythm, trying not to dictate while she decided what she liked. Anyway, it was nice to sit back and enjoy the ride for once. And she felt so fucking good. It had been a while and he was drunk, but even so, there was just something about the way they fit that seemed perfect. Snowman was perfectly warm, and the right angle was so easy to find, especially with her splayed out over his hips.

She closed her eyes as she tried to figure it out, and the look of deep concentration on her face was too much for him to resist. He slipped a hand off her hip, cupping one breast and giving it a gentle squeeze. Snowman cracked open one eye, just as her hips finally settled on a rhythm that was slow but deep, and just steady enough to get some friction working for them. Crowbar kissed her, hand still on her breast. He couldn't get over how smooth her skin was, and his thumb glided around the sleek edges of her nipple.

Snowman was quiet for the most part, the occasional noise getting lost in his mouth. Crowbar tried to do the same, but he couldn't stop his groans when the head of his cock started to rub up against something inside of her. He wasn't sure what it was, but it felt fucking amazing, and the more she rolled her hips down on him, the harder it was to stay quiet. "Snowman-" Crowbar gasped out, and she just kissed him again, silencing him.

Her hips slowly but steadily sped up, and he slipped the hand off of her breast and managed to slip it between them, his fingers clumsily groping at her clit. He knew he wouldn't last much longer with the way her hips were moving, and he wanted to at least get her off one more time before he came. It was hard to keep coordinated, especially when she ground her hips down against his fingertips, and onto him, and he could practically see stars. But just as he was about to resort to desperate measures, he felt her tighten around him, and saw the second orgasm hit her like a punch, her mouth just falling open into an 'o' shape as she came. And he came right on her heels, losing any semblance of control with her cunt spasming around him.

They clung to each other, faces resting cheek to cheek as they tried to get a hold of themselves. Snowman recovered first and carefully disentangled herself from Crowbar's lap before flopping onto the bed. Crowbar followed her, his brain a white fuzz of non-thoughts.

"I think I'm bleeding on your sheets," She said after a moment. Crowbar glanced down. She was, but it was only a little bit.

"I don't care," He said, being completely honest, and just set an arm over her waist. "Anyway, Itchy's on laundry duty this week. He'll probably congratulate me on becoming a woman."

Snowman chuckled a little, and then lent over, kissing him on the cheek. It was a shockingly sweet gesture after what they'd just done. "Thank you."

"I'm pretty sure I should be thanking you." He said, since he couldn't just accept thanks for something like this. So instead, Crowbar just kicked the blanket out from underneath them and got it over the both of them. A bit of groping around on the nightstand got that light off. He wasn't entirely sure she'd stick around until she curled herself up against his back, forcibly little-spooning him. Crowbar decided not to complain, especially since she was taller than him, and settled for resting a hand on the arm around his waist. "Night Snowy."

She pressed a kiss to the back of his head, murmuring "Good night," before the pair both drifted off.


End file.
